...can really be something.
When Jonner and I moved to Boise I was planning on seeking gainful employment. But after a few weeks of fruitless searching, applying, resume tweaking, and general misery caused by self induced panic, stress, and worry I made the decision to not receive a paycheck this summer. This decision was made with both reluctance (because I once again had to give up something I wanted because of the health of my back) and relief (because I was worrying myself sick over the matter).
Now that a month has passed I can decidedly say that I have enjoyed all of the nothing that comes with being unemployed. There in nothing that I HAVE to do and there is everything that I CAN do. It is truly an ideal situation, yet I have struggled to really embrace this wonderful circumstance that I find myself in.
You see, somewhere along the way I began living by the notion that in order to be worth something I have to be doing something... or many somethings. I have spent much of my life doing many somethings - some of which I did because I wanted to, but I have also done a lot of somethings to please others. A truth of my life that I am now grappling with.
I have spent a lot of my life living for others. Not in everything that I do, but in many things. For much of my life I have looked to others to validate me based upon the tangible things I have accomplished. I have always struggled to feel valuable unless I am constantly being productive. God knows this about me and so He has blessed me with an opportunity to finally unwind the big coil that I have knotted myself into and learn to relax and enjoy this life. I am learning to feel like I am worth a whole lot even though I am not hyper-producing.
For example, there is something truly magical - at least for me - about being able to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon without any guilt or hearing that voice in my head telling me that I am wasting time. It is a relief to actually enjoy the movie and finish it feeling refreshed and rested and valuable - knowing that I am worth the time that I just took for myself.
Of course being productive is important to our growth and progression and I am in full support of always seeking experiences and challenges that help me become a better person. I am simply trying to do those things at a much more reasonable pace and without so much guilt for my short comings and failures. I am trying my best at life and for the most part I am succeeding! I am trying to celebrate that more often.
It has been such a great summer and despite the challenge of being still and having lots of time on my hands (who ever would have thought that would be a challenge?) I have come to appreciate all the nothing in my life, because it turns out that all of this nothing is truly something wonderful.
3 comments:
I can SO empathize with all of this! I have also spent a lot of time doing things to please others, and it's hard for me to do otherwise. Not a good thing. And I have the month of June off which has been wonderful! Just what I needed.
What a blessing to have the opportunity to learn this lesson at this time in your life. I, too, have had those times where nothing is happening, (usually not by my choosing), and have found that it's a great lesson to learn--and, consequently, re-learn. :) For me, the other challenge that came along with the nothing was determining how I was going to progress and what I wanted to pursue at those times of life. It's amazing the opportunities we have to explore new or dormant talents. I'm glad you're enjoying your nothing now! And, I hope you always feel wonderful--because you always are!
P.S. If you guys decide to drive to Oregon sometime before you go back to school, let me know. I'd love to see you if you were near Seattle! :)
Tin, you are so wonderful. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life, you are an amazing example to me in everything.
Miss you!
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